First of all,
Happy New Year
It was never my intention to stop writing but so much was going on and something had to give.
Let me just put it out there, blogging is not for the faint hearted and as a believer you have to constantly check that you have not turned into a content creator ( which is not a bad thing but that was not the premise I started this blog on).
I am back from the long break and this is one post that I would rather not do but I know I have to do.
Today makes it three years that my Astor translated into glory but it still feels like yesterday. A lot has happened in 3 years and honestly all I can say is that God is good.
2021 was hardddddddd and this is me trying to mince word. I thought 2020 was tough but apparently it was just the tip of the iceberg.
Today’s post is not about how hard my 2021 was so let me just get right into it.
This post is about the marital vow I took
I,,,,,,,,,take you,,,,,,,,,,,,,for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.
Dee and I got married on April 23rd 2016.
Our courtship was about 5 years and I was more than ready to get married. It was a one day event so most of it is blurry to me now. I remember a few things though;
I remember we were very late for the church ceremony. (Dee had to take a bike to the church)
I remember our first kiss at the altar which was really awkward but that’s what you get when you are a first time kisser and don’t know how to do it.
I remember that the Chiarman’s speech took close to one hour and we weren’t paying much attention.(Rolls eye, who gives such speech at a wedding)
I remember that I danced so much and I was really happy to be getting married to the love of my life.
One thing I don’t remember well is the marital vow, I know we said it but I can’t remember if it really sank in my head.
That vow started to make more sense recently especially the part that says
“……till death do us part”
I loved Adeola so much and I don’t think I will ever stop loving him.
I married a good man and to give a little background to this, saying yes to him was not a decision I took lightly . It took me a whole 8 months to say yes after his proposal.(not ideal though). After waiting tirelessly, he threatened me that if I don’t give my answer that day, I should forget the proposal.(Insert smiles)
I quickly received sense and said yes.
We started a beautiful journey and 8 years later it ended because death did “do us part”
It is so hard to accept death’s verdict, infact if it was possible to stay married to a dead man, I will pick that option.
It is so difficult to come to terms with the fact that my Astor is no more.
While the pain is better, I still cannot let go of the memories.
When I was saying those vows, it never occurred to me that those last words will be a reality in my life. A reality I constantly have to hold up to God’s own reality.
It is a whole struggle because everything reminds me of my situation even though I try to hold on to God’s reality.
From getting asked If “I am Single or Married” (This is the toughest question you can ever ask me and honestly my answer usually depends on my mood and the position of Saturn and Jupiter), to putting up with my daughter’s question “where is my daddy”?
Then there is the confusion of filling official forms that does not have the “widowed” option.
Also the weird look I get from some people when I am seen with a child and no husband in sight (I have gotten used to this😊😊😊).
The other day, my mum told me that some children in Darasimi’s school asked her if Darasimi’s parents are late since they never see them. My heart cut when she said it but honestly there isn’t so much I can do about it because I have to go to work.
I can go on and on about the struggle but I think the biggest lesson I learnt in year 3 is that it is okay to continue living after loosing a loved one.
This was one lesson I wasn’t ready for but Abba made sure it sank into my brain by reminding me of the vow I took.
The marriage covenant is really potent and powerful but all the power it has is nullified once death comes into the picture. I think even God was happy when I came to this realization and eventually accepted it. As much as I will love to still be married to him, death has ended the contract.
Grief is a journey where you keep putting one step infront of the other. The movement might be slow but it is occurring. I never really knew when this change took place but I knew it took wise counsel, prayers from loved ones, constant mind renewal and also allowing time to do its work.
Will I still cry????
Yes but mostly from a place of gratitude and because I also know that Adeola will not want me to cry forever.
Every year the overwhelming pain reduces and it becomes easier to breathe so there is definitely significant improvement.
How have I survived till now????? Only GOD can answer this question because I don’t know.
The past three years have been the hardest but Grace has carried us, God has helped us and we are thriving . I remember wishing I didn’t give birth to Darasimi after Adeola passed away. I mean, what was I supposed to do with a five months old baby all by myself but God is a master planner. He sees the end from the beginning, he knew I needed the child and she was eventually going to be a lifeline.
Today will always be the day I lost a part of me, the day I became a widow, the day that changed my life forever.
It is also the day I started learning to totally depend on God for everything, the day I started my walk through the fire that God has held my hands through.
In my usual tradition, I have a scripture for year 4;“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2NIV
We are the poster girls for God’s goodness and even though I have these struggles, God has been so faithful. For anyone grieving I want you to remember that God is a good father and He is really the one that gives comfort. He does not leave His own and He is an ever present help in time of trouble.
For year 4, I look forward to rocking out the season with God because I know He has much more in store for us.
Love and Revelational Light,